5.01.2008

Guilt and Blah!!

I'm feeling so blah tonight. My heart is heavy--I feel anxious--I feel restless. I hate feeling like this. I know why I'm feeling this way. It started with a phone call from Countrywide. They called to see if we can make a payment and to remind us that our mortgage was four months overdue. Do they think we don't know that already!! Do they think we've been jet setting around the world, and maybe just forgot to send in the check! Then she tells me that our account will be assigned to a short-sale person on May 8th. She said that it can take up to two or three months from that date to get things done. And that's if (yes, if) the investor of our loan agrees to the offers. I don't know...it's not like I didn't know this prior to this phone call, but it just bummed me out. I'm not even sure why? I am just SOOO tired of all of this. This all began in November...that makes this the 7th month in the whole process. I'm just so so so so tired of thinking about this and trying to figure it out. I'm even tired of praying about it. I mean if the investors of the loan do not approve the offers we are right back where we started!!!! That's what scares me the most.

Then these feeling are compiled with my always present guilt. I don't know if it's just me, or all moms experience this...but I am always feeling guilty. For example:
  • I am feeling guilty that I didn't make something more nutritious for dinner for Abby.
  • Logan smiles and laughs every time I take a moment to talk to him...I feel guilty that I do not take more time to talk to him.
  • I feel guilty that I yelled at Abby to "WALK UP THE STAIRS!!" (she'll sit and each stair for like 30 seconds...and by stair #15 I'm beyond irritated!)
  • I feel guilty for not having the house more clean
  • for not having John's clothes ironed
  • or not shipping Weston's present yet (I know you don't mind Becca)
  • for not playing more with Abby
  • for making Logan sit in his bouncy while I type this
  • for not putting any work hours in today--which makes it impossible for me to catch up so then I feel guilty for getting paid
  • for not running on the treadmill
  • for not reading my bible

Perhaps guilty is the wrong word...maybe it's failure. I always feel like my head is just about to go under water. I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I cannot give 100% in all areas of my life. wheww...it's exhausting just typing all of my failures! :) I don't mean to be a downer...but it's nice to write out everything and get it off my mind.

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