10.13.2009

Motherhood Schizophrenia

Last night was a rough night. I slept in a twin bed, with my daughter, who was coughing all night ans asking if she could have some breakfast every 25 minutes. I did manage to catch a few zzz's, but woke up to a very sore shoulder and a headache. Nothing like waking up with a headache to start the morning off right.

My rough night was followed by a rough morning. Abby is coughing so hard that she's nearly throwing up--it sounds painful, you know, one of those deep chest coughs. So I get her medicine ready, walk into the room and let the battle begin. Somewhere between two and three-and-a-half, Abby has developed a hatred towards medicine. It is awful.

Picture me at 2am last night, hunched over Abby trying to give her medicine as she is screaming "NO!!" "I don't like that kind!!" This process, unfortunately, had to reoccur again this morning at 8am--the battle lasted for nearly 40 minutes, included a few paddles, and a long round of "stay in your room until you're ready to obey," and finally ended with Abby taking her medicine. It absolutely irritates me...seems like so much drama for one swallow of medicine.

Pause here...

I am NOT a graceful mother. I know some mothers who appear to have it all together, but I am not one of those moms. I get angry. I say things I should not. I pray to God out loud--which is not a bad thing, but when I talk to God I don't hold back...so sometimes I say things like, "I need patience now God because my daughter is driving me crazy and I cannot handle her!" Not a nice thing for a 3 year old to hear.


Logan and Abigail fight A LOT lately. It usually starts with Logan trying to do something, Abby yelling "NO" in his face, then Logan retaliating, then Abby yelling "NO" louder, than Logan or Abby throwing a punch, then both of them end up screaming and crying.

This process played out a few times this morning, and then I lost it. I mean can't I just pour a cup of coffee??!!

It was not even 9am and I was yelling (my worst fault of motherhood--I yell too much), Logan was in his crib screaming, and Abby was in the kitchen crying.

These types of mornings are difficult. They make me feel nuts. They make me feel like a failure. They make me want to get in my car and drive around all day--because they are happy in the car, and it's raining, and I love the rain, but I'm in the house with two yelling toddlers!

Fast forward 15 minutes.

Everyone is calm. All is well. Medicine has been taken. Apologies have been made. Hugs freely given. Logan keeps throwing his arms tightly around my neck, hugging me over and over. Abby is happily coloring in the kitchen. I am enjoying my lukewarm cup of coffee.

Motherhood is emotionally tiring. It can be daunting. The frustration coupled with the adoration. The funny moments followed by fights and tears. The quiet seconds quickly followed by the loud noises. Tenderness, anger, frustration, love, laughter, exhaustion, happiness, desire for solitude, eagerness to interact, button pushing, aggravation, joy, contentment, discontentment, kindness, selfishness....the list continues.

But

I hope that my kids will look back and remember mostly the good. I hope they'll remember these days at home as happy days. I hope they'll remember that their mother was a praying one....even if out loud in frustration.

2 comments:

Laureen said...

I love you and this will pass. Hang in there!
Love you

Tundra Mom said...

I could have written this... crazy days. I TOTALLY understand. I keep thinking ok, calm, be calm.

Just wanted you to know I am COMPLETELY with you.

Doesn't writing in CAPS feel good? :)

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