3.07.2010

All of a sudden, like a flip of a switch, I realize that I might very well be out of baby mode for the rest of my life. It is very very likely that I may never ever have another baby. That really seemed to sneak up on me out of nowhere. John and I are really really on the fence about added any more children to our family. Most of the reasons are practical. And we are already running around like crazy with our two little ones. Could we handle a third? I'm sure we could if the Lord decided that another Attwood baby was on its way. But if we get a choice in it all, do we want anymore? hmmmm....the answer is looking more and more like no.

There is a part of me that feels so very sad about this realization. Just this morning I was on a walk with Logan. John and Abigail went to church so it was just me and my boy. I put him in the single stroller. This is a stroller I rarely use anymore because I need a double stroller, yet this is the stroller I used every single day when Abby was a baby. We would go on long, leisurely springtime walks all around Claremont. We would admire the beautiful trees and flowers. We would stop by the park and play before walking home. She was always so very content in that stroller. Just me and my girl. Walking. Content.

So this morning as my son was sitting contently in that stroller, it dawned on me that those days of walking around town, with no particular plan, no real place to be, just me and a baby--those days are over. When and how did this happen?

It makes me sad.

It makes me angry at myself that I didn't enjoy those days more. That I did not let the small stuff go a bit and just live in all the moments of having an infant with all those fun stages--nursing, crawling, babbling, learning to eat, etc.

Again, I wonder to myself, how in the world has this happened so very quickly!??

Note to self: make grand efforts to live each moment and enjoy every stage of Abby and Logan's lives.

Each time I chat with an older woman--one whose children are grown, she will always say something like "enjoy it, it goes by so quick."

I always say that I'll do my best to enjoy it, as my children are pulling at my legs, whining in my ear, or eager to have my attention.

But you know what--it is my goal this week to make a concerted effort to enjoy and welcome my little leg pullers because one day they won't be so eager to have my attention, they won't be pulling on my legs, or asking me to play. They'll be gone, and the thought of that makes my heart very heavy.

Thank you Lord for my Abigail and my Logan.

2 comments:

Laureen said...

The heart of a Mother. The joys, the struggles, the moments where we as Mother's we want our little ones to be older and more independent. Then it happens, they do grow and then we grieve. Why can't we live in the moment?

I pray you do a better job than me. Enjoy your most precious gifts...Abby & Logan and your wonderful husband John.
Time is ticking away.....enjoy your family, they are so wonderful.
Love Mom

Tundra Mom said...

I love your blog.

I love todays post. I know what you mean. When we were packing and really didn't need anything except for their clothes and one sippy cup, i knew- I don't have babies anymore. The longer I don't have a baby, the more unreal it seems to go back to that stage. If I have a baby now Sierra will be almost 5 !!! five years between! AHHH!

I love your idea of making dinners together. Great idea! The picture of Abby standing next to the cans really reminds me of Sierra. They are similar, especially now that Sierra is thinning out.

I love the barbie picture! :)

Post a Comment