6.29.2010

I walked into the room. Medical stuff on the table, sonogram machine to my right, long table in front of me. "Take off your shirt and bra and put on a robe." says the nurse. I prepare myself, get on the table and wait until the nurse returns.
She came in, dimmed the lights, and went about her work. She squirted the familiar ultrasound goo onto my skin, only this time it was not on my swollen stomach, it was on my breast. She started taking pictures of the lump.
click
click
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Meanwhile, I lay there crying silently. All of a sudden this was real. There is a tumor in my breast and we do not know what we are dealing with. My mind wanders. The background music of my mind immediately begins playing Psalm 23 over and over; "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me. You are my comfort.....though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me. You are my comfort."
click
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My tears still fall quietly. My mind is remembering the last time that I laid on this table, in this very room, with this very nurse. The sonogram pictures showed us that I was carrying a boy. My Logan. How that makes my heart ache. I wish I were laying on the table to hear good news. happy news. news that makes families swell with the promise of new life.

The lights go on. I ask if my mom can come in now. My mom finds me. We wait. The doctor comes in. "It is not a cysts," she says, "it is a tumor." I wonder to myself what this all will entail. I think of my beautiful children and my husband whom I adore. I whisper a prayer and ask God to please keep me on earth long enough to see my children grow.

I am now waiting for surgery. While I wait I seek God. I talk to him like my very best friend. I cry to him. I ask for grace and ask for more faith. I ask for hope.

Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

The Lord himself will go before you.
He will be with you; he will not leave you for forget you.
Don't be afraid and don't worry.
Deuteronomy 31:8

6.26.2010

"He putteth forth his own sheep" (John10:4).

Oh, this is bitter work for Him and us--bitter for us to go, but equally bitter for Him to cause us pain; yet it must be done. It would not be conducive to our true welfare to stay always in one happy and comfortable lot. He therefore puts us forth. The fold is deserted, that the sheep may wander over the bracing mountain slope. The laborers must be thrust out into the harvest, else the golden grain would spoil.

Take heart! it could not be better to stay when He determines otherwise; and if the loving hand of our Lord puts us forth, it must be well. On, in His name, to green pastures and still waters and mountain heights! He goeth before thee. Whatever awaits us is encountered first by Him. Faith's eye can always discern His majestic presence in front; and when that cannot be seen, it is dangerous to move forward. Bind this comfort to your heart, that the Savior has tried for Himself all the experiences through which He asks you to pass; and He would not ask you to pass through them unless He was sure that they were not too difficult for your feet, or too trying for your strength.

This is the Blessed Life--not anxious to see far in front, nor careful about the next step, not eager to choose the path, nor weighted with the heavy responsibilities of the future, but quietly following behind the Shepherd, one step at a time.

Dark is the sky! and veiled the unknown morrow Dark is life's way, for night is not yet o'er; The longed-for glimpse I may not meanwhile borrow; But, this I know, HE GOETH ON BEFORE.

Dangers are nigh! and fears my mind are shaking; Heart seems to dread what life may hold in store; But I am His--He knows the way I'm taking, More blessed still--HE GOETH ON BEFORE.

Doubts cast their weird, unwelcome shadows o'er me, Doubts that life's best--life's choicest things are o'er; What but His Word can strengthen, can restore me, And this blest fact; that still HE GOES BEFORE.

HE GOES BEFORE! Be this my consolation! He goes before! On this my heart would dwell! He goes before! This guarantees salvation! HE GOES BEFORE! And therefore all is well. --J. D. Smith

The Oriental shepherd was always ahead of his sheep. He was down in front. Any attack upon them had to take him into account. Now God is down in front. He is in the tomorrows. It is tomorrow that fills men with dread. God is there already. All the tomorrows of our life have to pass Him before they can get to us. --F. B. M.

6.21.2010

"For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again,
but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"
Romans 8:15 (NASB)

6.17.2010

"You will never learn faith in comfortable surroundings. God gives us the promises in a quiet hour; God seals our covenants with great and gracious words, then He steps back and waits to see how much we believe; then He lets the tempter come, and the test seems to contradict all that He has spoken. It is then that faith wins its crown. That is the time to look up through the storm, and among the trembling, frightened seamen cry, "I believe God that it shall be even as it was told me."

6.11.2010

Some old pictures....

Me and Megan during my college days

Babysitting Weston....they left for Mongolia a few days later.



Me and John in Yosemite. I was newly pregnant with Abby and I was so sick! Even just thinking of that vacation makes me feel nauseous.

San Fransisco before we were engaged.

Day trip to San Fransisco.

My sister with Weston. I love this picture.The day John proposed. My two sisters.

Abby and Jared at 3 months
Abby and Jared age four

Four going on fourteen.

6.10.2010


Have a superhero-kind-of-day.


6.07.2010

This song is near and dear to my heart right now. I'm in a valley, but oh how I love worship music to remind my heart that I won't be here always. Like the lyrics say, "But if there are blessings in the valley, Then in the River I will wait."

Find me in the River
Find me on my knees
I've walked against the water
Now I'm waiting if you please
We've longed to see the roses
But never felt the thorns
And worn our pretty crowns
But never paid the price

Find me in the River
Find me there
Find me on my knees with my soul laid bare
Even though you're gone
And I'm cracked and dry
Find me in the River
I'm waiting here

Find me in the River
Find me on my knees
I've walked against the water
Now I'm waiting if you please
We didn't count on suffering
We didn't count on pain
But if there are blessings in the valley
Then in the River I will wait

Find me in the River
Find me there
Find me on my knees with my soul laid bare
Even though you're gone
And I'm cracked and dry
Find me in the River
I'm waiting here

Find me in the river
Find me there
Find me on my knees with my soul laid bare
Even though you're gone
And I'm cracked and dry
Find me in the river
I'm waiting here for you

Come find me here...

Find me in the River...

Find me here for you...

Oh wash over me...

Find me here


6.03.2010


we recently spent a day in Palm Springs swimming and enjoying the very hot sun.
My goal for my kids this summer is that they become very comfortable with their floaties and learning the basics of swimming.
This was our first day in the pool this year.
Logan was thrilled and did not want anyone to help him. ever.
Abby was more cautious.
By the end of the day, she saw her brother float right by her and found her confidence to let go of mommy and float on her own.
Summer here we come!