I walked into the room. Medical stuff on the table, sonogram machine to my right, long table in front of me. "Take off your shirt and bra and put on a robe." says the nurse. I prepare myself, get on the table and wait until the nurse returns.
She came in, dimmed the lights, and went about her work. She squirted the familiar ultrasound goo onto my skin, only this time it was not on my swollen stomach, it was on my breast. She started taking pictures of the lump.
Meanwhile, I lay there crying silently. All of a sudden this was real. There is a tumor in my breast and we do not know what we are dealing with. My mind wanders. The background music of my mind immediately begins playing Psalm 23 over and over; "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me. You are my comfort.....though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me. You are my comfort."
My tears still fall quietly. My mind is remembering the last time that I laid on this table, in this very room, with this very nurse. The sonogram pictures showed us that I was carrying a boy. My Logan. How that makes my heart ache. I wish I were laying on the table to hear good news. happy news. news that makes families swell with the promise of new life.
The lights go on. I ask if my mom can come in now. My mom finds me. We wait. The doctor comes in. "It is not a cysts," she says, "it is a tumor." I wonder to myself what this all will entail. I think of my beautiful children and my husband whom I adore. I whisper a prayer and ask God to please keep me on earth long enough to see my children grow.
I am now waiting for surgery. While I wait I seek God. I talk to him like my very best friend. I cry to him. I ask for grace and ask for more faith. I ask for hope.
Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
The Lord himself will go before you.
He will be with you; he will not leave you for forget you.
Don't be afraid and don't worry.