9.30.2010

This was a hard summer.
I suffered from severe anxiety and panic attacks that seem to come from out of the blue.
It was very scary and I was, at times,
sick with an unexplainable fear that plagued my thoughts and my heart.
It was hard.
It was crummy.

On our vacation in July we went to Sedona, AZ.
There was summer storms everyday.
Oh how I prayed for a rainbow.
I wanted to know that God could hear me,
so I asked him to show me a rainbow before we left.
Each day I looked in the sky, hoping to see one.
As we drove away from our hotel the last day, my eyes searched the sky.
It was my last chance to see a rainbow.
I was desperate to know that God heard me.
I never saw a rainbow.

I persevered through my summer.
I struggle through fear and honestly wondered if I had lost total control of my world.
It was hard.
It took everything I had to believe that God would be faithful to me,
even though I could not feel him or hear him.
He seemed to be silent.
I did not know why.

I woke up every morning with a knot in my stomach,
unexplainable fear in my mind,
and desperate prayers on my lips.
I read scripture.
I wrote scripture on 3x5 cards and taped them to my cupboards.
I called my mom a lot.
My received much prayer from many loving people in my life.
My husband carried my load and held my hand.
I shed many tears.
I read more scriptures.
I wrote down gut wrenching prayers in my journal.
I begged God to reveal himself to me.
I pleaded with Him to pour our his powerful spirit on my life.
I did not feel much of anything,
at first.

Months passed.
Prayers continued.
Continual conversation between me and my Heavenly Father.
Night and day I talked to Him.
I shared all of my fears with Him.
I filled my home with worship music.
Honest conversations with close friends and family.
Humbled to the core.

Then something started to happen.
When I prayed, I felt better.
When I prayed, I felt better.
When I prayed, I felt better.
WOW.
It really works.
God is really working.
He is big.
He is my comfort.
He is my fortress.
He is my shelter.
He is my hiding place.
And you know what I learned.
He hears me.
He may not answer immediately.
He may not comfort immediately.
He may not give me a rainbow in Arizona.
But, he gave me faith.
He taught me how to believe, even when I could not feel my prayers being answered.
He taught me that the darkness of fear and depression are not too big for him.
He made himself real to my life.
My weakness was a good thing.
It was a great thing.
My utter weakness showed me his unmeasurable strength.
My fear ushered in His love.
My anxiety made way for a real relationship.

I would not change my summer, as hard as it was.
It made my relationship with God real.
And you know what.
He brought a big ol' rainbow right to my doorstep tonight.
He'll be faithful, even when we have to wait a bit to see our prayers answered.


3 comments:

Laureen said...

As I sit and read your journey and struggle and see the progression of your life of faith, and then seeing this unbelievable rainbow, it makes me cry. In our dark moments and when we are totally humbled, God meets us right where we are.
I love you with all my heart and soul and my heart rejoices because you are feeling better and most important He changed you forever and your faith in Him will not be shaken.
As I grow older I am really seeing that life without a relationship with God is in vain. Our purpose is to know Him and love Him and tell others of this amazing love and His grace that saves us.
Thank you for sharing your heart.

Kara Maher said...

We never know when God will show us what he wants us to see! Its amazing how things can just show up when we least expect them to....and it makes them even more powerful.What better than a beautiful rainbow!!! This last month I have really been missing my Dad and I was sitting outside looking at the the hill behind the pool and noticed the bulbs he had planted the year before he died where coming back up....it made me cry and made me grateful to remember the times on the hill doing yard work with him... (sweating and falling a few times ha ha)
I am glad you are feeling better and that everything worked out with your health and anxiety. When Matt was in Iraq I struggled with anxiety...it was such a horrible helpless feeling!
Great job on being faithful in your blog.... I'm slacking big time its been two months!
Have a great weekend!
XOXOXO~~~~~Kara

Tundra Mom said...

I love this post. I love your honesty. I am really glad that you are feeling better and that He has carried you through the storm.

I love you.

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