1.24.2011

Sometime it leaves me for weeks.
No sign of it.
Could that be the end of it?
Could I be liberated from it?
Or will it return?
Will it always be with me?

There are no answers to these questions.

And then one day
The feeling creeps in.
I hate it.
The feeling is....
suffocating,
terrifying,
sickening,
tiring,
lonely.

Anxiety.

Fear.

It is a peculiar thing.
Sneaking in for no apparent reason.
Sometimes just an undercurrent.
Other times a wrecking ball.

But, unlike my summer, I have more wisdom.
More trust.
More comfort from my comforter.

My mind is comforted by the greatness of God.
He is so big.
So powerful.
So wise.
So faithful.
So tender.

My only hope is Him.
My trust lies only in His promises.
I have to believe that He will not forsake me.
That He will not give me over to my fears, to the terrors of this world.
This trusting,
this believing,
it is a choice.
It is something that I practice.
It is not necessarily a feeling.
In fact, usually my feeling is fear, but the words on my lips are prayers.
I build my faith by hearing God's word.
So I talk out loud.
I say verses out loud.
I ask the Holy Spirit to guide and comfort me.

I am doing much better, but this anxiety thing is still with me.
I ask for it to be removed.
I trust that I could be taken from me, if God chooses.
But, if not, I must believe that God allowed this in my life and that He will use it for His glory.
And what a privileged to suffer in order to bring glory to my Redeemer.
Because, as the song says,
"I will cling to the old rugged cross,
and exchange it one day for a crown."

1 comment:

Laureen said...

Thank you for sharing sweetheart! It reminds me to pray for you in this area.
Tonight we started the the bible study by Beth Moore in Revelation. It's going to be incredible. She taught about the entire purpose of this amazing book is "The revelation of Jesus Christ". The Greek meaning of Apoclypis is "an unveiling, uncovering, and disclosing." Then our memory verse is: Rev.17:14: These will make war with the Lamb, and the Lamb will overcome them, for His Lord of lords and King of kings; and those who are with Him are called, chosen and faithful!
My point is: He has overcome for you and He is faithful! Praying for you and that anxiety will someday be just a distant memory.
Ask Him every morning to reveal Himself to you that will change you forever. This is what Beth is asking us to do and I thing it's cool. So I thought I would share.
Love you heart and soul, Mom

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