"Do you think God allows the anxiety for a reason?" my husband asks me. I know that he suspects the answer that I know in my heart. The answer that I am slowly and painfully learning. "Yes" I confess. The truth is simple, yet hard. Anxiety and fear keep me close to God.
This morning, before meeting my new boss, I felt "yucky" as my children would say. It is early. All eyes are still peacful and quiet, still floating within their dreams. I stand alone in my bathroom. Just me. Wet hair. A towel. I grab Evening by Evening by Spurgeon and read, "...Let us search and see if we truly suffer with Jesus. And if we do suffer in this way, what is our slight momentary affliction compared with reigning with Him? Oh, it is so blessed to be in the furnace with Christ, and such an honor to stand in the jail with Him, that if there were no future reward, we might count ourselves happy in present honor; but when the recompense is so eternal, so infinitely more than we had any right to expect, shall we not take up the cross with enthusiasm and go on our way rejoicing?"
If we endure, we will also reign with Him. 2 Timothy 2:12
My cross may very well be fear. Should I take up this cross with enthusiasm? Yes. I recently read this statement that fits perfectly with this stage of my life. "Fear is holy ground. Fear is where He meets trembling knees, causes knee to bend, to make a sure and strong knee for the journey. Fear is holy ground if we don't run from the fear, but kneel. He will lift away that spirit of fear and robe us in the Spirt of Sonship." Fear is holy ground; it holds the possibility of transformation. (aholyexperience.com)
I am learning that my cross produces good things. Fruit. A young harvest of peace and joy. The fruit is small, but I trust God to create a harvest for His Kingdom. Carrying the cross is hard. It is for everyone who carries a cross for Christ. It hurts. It makes me tired. It makes me weary. But that is why it is a cross. Because it is hard, hurtful, and tiring. It is too big for me. I need help carring it. There are times, many times, when I ask God to take my cross. I tell Him that I've learned enough. That I am too weak. Too scared. Too much a coward. The thing is, God likes the conversation as we journey together discusing my cross. You see, we are talking while we walk together. And isn't that what God wants? Relationship? Talking? Sharing? You see, this cross has changed me. It has left scars and callouses. The scars are the places were He has carved out slow building of trust. Trust in the One who calls me His. I fear and I bend my knee and kneel and I breath in His Words. I fear and I bend my knee and I listen to music that whispers of His faithfulness. I fear and I bend my knee and I repeat the sciptures under by breath in the dark. The one my daughter came home from church with "When I am afraid, I will trust in You." Psalm 56:3 Carving his faithfulness into my mind and my heart by way of this cross. Carving out a lasting love song written just for me.